It is in my Nature

It is in my nature to be Dark and Damaged. Since I can remember, I leaned toward distain and despair. It's made me who I am. One with a wicked sense of humor, an intense drive to succeed and demons determined to stop me. It feels like it's always a battle.

I followed a thread of behavior back to its roots the other day, and wept for days at the damage it had caused. It had shaped my choices and created my current life. The painful  one I was so desperately trying to change. Sigh.

This shadowy darkness is trapped in my very being. It's why I've avoided Yoga like the a social disease. But it's the thing I need to get to the next level. I have to realize it is safe for me to be there and that I can get there, quickly. I need partners. I have partners.

But back to the darkness in me. It is in the muscles in my body. Yoga will find it and let it out. It's emotion trapped is muscle. When it comes out I will have to digest it. Grieving becomes a way of life for a minute. I was starting to worry that people would think I'm manic depressive. Not so, I just have some version of ADD and OCD.  And a lot of sorrow. And a lot of sorry. Regret. I guess. Now I am at the age of regret. I guess I don't have that much regret. A little perhaps.

I am glad overall for my choices. That doesn't mean some days I don't wish I'd taken a different path. But I can't see myself doing that. I can't see myself being anyone but who I am at this moment.  Not so dark as promised, right? Imagine that. Balance. Dark and Light. Damage and Repair.

I am off to do downward dog.

Looking Back

I haven't written in this blog for a while, so I decided to revisit it. And Wow!  Some of it's pretty Fucking good! I have an imagination, I have to learn how to reconcile my dark and damaged side with the side that I show most now. Business woman, sweet but tough and sometimes fragile. No one knows what lurks behind the curtain of the smiling friendly welcoming lady.

I do. Cross me and I'll cut you from my life. I had a so-called friend who recently showed her true colors when I wasn't looking. To this day, I haven't said more then 5 words to her. She said to me, so are you ever going to tell me what I did to make you so angry with me?

The answer is no, I owe you nothing. No explanations. No time, No courtesy. Nada, zero, zip, zilch. And that is what you're going to get.

Moral to the story, do not take my kindness for submission and weakness. Do not abuse my love and count it as naught. If you do, you may find yourself dead to me.

Safe Journeys ex-friend. I'd say I wish you well, but that'd be a lie. So I wish you no harm.  That's the best I can do.