It is in my Nature

It is in my nature to be Dark and Damaged. Since I can remember, I leaned toward distain and despair. It's made me who I am. One with a wicked sense of humor, an intense drive to succeed and demons determined to stop me. It feels like it's always a battle.

I followed a thread of behavior back to its roots the other day, and wept for days at the damage it had caused. It had shaped my choices and created my current life. The painful  one I was so desperately trying to change. Sigh.

This shadowy darkness is trapped in my very being. It's why I've avoided Yoga like the a social disease. But it's the thing I need to get to the next level. I have to realize it is safe for me to be there and that I can get there, quickly. I need partners. I have partners.

But back to the darkness in me. It is in the muscles in my body. Yoga will find it and let it out. It's emotion trapped is muscle. When it comes out I will have to digest it. Grieving becomes a way of life for a minute. I was starting to worry that people would think I'm manic depressive. Not so, I just have some version of ADD and OCD.  And a lot of sorrow. And a lot of sorry. Regret. I guess. Now I am at the age of regret. I guess I don't have that much regret. A little perhaps.

I am glad overall for my choices. That doesn't mean some days I don't wish I'd taken a different path. But I can't see myself doing that. I can't see myself being anyone but who I am at this moment.  Not so dark as promised, right? Imagine that. Balance. Dark and Light. Damage and Repair.

I am off to do downward dog.