It is in my Nature

It is in my nature to be Dark and Damaged. Since I can remember, I leaned toward distain and despair. It's made me who I am. One with a wicked sense of humor, an intense drive to succeed and demons determined to stop me. It feels like it's always a battle.

I followed a thread of behavior back to its roots the other day, and wept for days at the damage it had caused. It had shaped my choices and created my current life. The painful  one I was so desperately trying to change. Sigh.

This shadowy darkness is trapped in my very being. It's why I've avoided Yoga like the a social disease. But it's the thing I need to get to the next level. I have to realize it is safe for me to be there and that I can get there, quickly. I need partners. I have partners.

But back to the darkness in me. It is in the muscles in my body. Yoga will find it and let it out. It's emotion trapped is muscle. When it comes out I will have to digest it. Grieving becomes a way of life for a minute. I was starting to worry that people would think I'm manic depressive. Not so, I just have some version of ADD and OCD.  And a lot of sorrow. And a lot of sorry. Regret. I guess. Now I am at the age of regret. I guess I don't have that much regret. A little perhaps.

I am glad overall for my choices. That doesn't mean some days I don't wish I'd taken a different path. But I can't see myself doing that. I can't see myself being anyone but who I am at this moment.  Not so dark as promised, right? Imagine that. Balance. Dark and Light. Damage and Repair.

I am off to do downward dog.

Looking Back

I haven't written in this blog for a while, so I decided to revisit it. And Wow!  Some of it's pretty Fucking good! I have an imagination, I have to learn how to reconcile my dark and damaged side with the side that I show most now. Business woman, sweet but tough and sometimes fragile. No one knows what lurks behind the curtain of the smiling friendly welcoming lady.

I do. Cross me and I'll cut you from my life. I had a so-called friend who recently showed her true colors when I wasn't looking. To this day, I haven't said more then 5 words to her. She said to me, so are you ever going to tell me what I did to make you so angry with me?

The answer is no, I owe you nothing. No explanations. No time, No courtesy. Nada, zero, zip, zilch. And that is what you're going to get.

Moral to the story, do not take my kindness for submission and weakness. Do not abuse my love and count it as naught. If you do, you may find yourself dead to me.

Safe Journeys ex-friend. I'd say I wish you well, but that'd be a lie. So I wish you no harm.  That's the best I can do.

Illin' - Suppressing Emotions = Physical Ailments

I am illin' ... All this turmoil has manifested itself as numbness in my left index finger and thumb. In short it comes from my c-5 and c-6,  i.e. my neck and my throat.

I have been holding too much of the negativity in. I have been focusing on positive and not releasing this negative energy and now, it's stuck in my body like balls of whirling black tar. It's blocking the flow of my energy.

The left side is the feminine side and throat is your voice ... I have been afraid to get messy. To speak my truth and the let anger and the hurt and the frustration I feel out. I tried to do it last night - to write it out, then burn it -- fire is purifying.  But ironically as I was burning my feelings about the guy and his baby's mama and the situation, which is just so fucking Jerry Springer it makes bile rise in my throat, his best friend called me (the guy was with him.)  Baby Mama is at again, they said. Like I give a shit!

Seriously, this chick needs to get a life!  I've asked time and time again that they leave me alone!

He didn't call to wish my happy birthday, since tomorrow is the big day, nope, that was not on his mind, but what was on his mind was what She knew, or more specifically, what his lying ass would have to cop to.  F*$king p*$$y!   I've decided not to censor myself .... I'm letting my dark feelings out.

Here is the forum, my hidden blog.  That no one reads ... It's for me basically, an account of my journey. The journey of my dark and damaged heart.   So excuse me if I get a little coarse here.

Be forewarned ... FUCK is some of my favorite punctuation when I'm in this mood.  And today, I'm in the mood to fucking scream! I am in the mood to break shit.  (btw - punching things and breaking shit was prescribed by a doctor -- let it out, he said, you gotta let it out!)

Ok, so here I go ...  listening to

Limp Bizkit - Break Things

LOUDLY

You wanna justify, rippin' someone's head off.

Your best bet is to stay away Mother Fucker ....

 it's all about the he says, she says bullshit,

I think you'd better quit talkin that shit!

You'd better quit, Talkin that shit or you'll be leaving with a fat lip!

If my day keeps going this way, I just might break something tonight!

Gimme somethin to break!
Gimme somethin to break!

***

So that's how I'm handling life with the sleazel today.  (Sleazel is a sniglet -- sleazy weasel = sleazel)  LOUD MUSIC ... hard core ...

BTW - I didn't break that particular glass ... It's a nice image tho ... :)

So tomorrow's my birthday ... I've got a full DRAMA-FREE day planned!  Guess what I'm wishing for?

Happy Birthday to me!

Cyber Bully Defined

If you have to ask someone, 'Do you think I'm a Cyberbully?' Chances are- YOU ARE! 

What is CyberBully? Here's the definition from Bill Belsey, founder of www.cyberbully.com. 

Cyberbullying "involves the use of information and communication technologies to support deliberate, repeated, and hostile behavior by an individual or group, that is intended to harm others."

In case you're wondering if you're hostile, let Webster's help you out:

Definition of HOSTILE- 

a. of or relating to an enemy ex. hostile fire

b. marked by malevolence -  having or showing unfriendly feelings ex. a hostile act

c. openly opposed or resisting ex. a hostile critic, hostile to new ideas

d (1) - not hospitable ex. plants growing in a hostile environment (2)  having an intimidating, antagonistic, or offensive nature ex. a hostile workplace

Any of this sound familiar? I am very proud of myself, I am not sinking to the level of the cyber bully ... I am keeping out of the trailer park and avoiding the gutters ... and being thankful daily the Karma dishes out 10 fold! 

In short I am educating myself (and others) and sharing info and moving on.

How I Deal With Drama ....

A Wish ....

For a mate who loves me enough to really have my back!

I'm Done- NOT!

Well, it's taken a lot but I am really done with the guy I was dating. And believe me it's sad because he came highly recommended, looked good on paper and appeared to be 'the one.'

I am also not so young anymore so I took the plans we had for marriage and family very seriously!  Very seriously! So my heart is breaking not only for the relationship, but for the loss of time ... tick tock, tick tock, goes the biological clock!

I have to accept it.  I have to accept where I am today.  I am working on a campaign for a spiritual teacher of mine and her big thing is acceptance.  Accept things as they are at this moment, not as we wish they were.  Accept who we are at this moment.

I have to accept that at this moment I am disappointed, and I am really, really pissed the fuck off! This wasn't the case until yesterday when the amoeba with arms and legs had his best friend call me and say oh the baby mama unfriended you on Facebook .... seriously!?!  A grown man who is supposed to be in charge of millions of dollars of people's assets (he's a financial planner - and I thought he was a genius at it, but ... ) cannot even manage his own social media page!  R U Kidding??? WTF???  Perhaps I should post the spine again as a reminder to this guy of what a backbone looks like!

Anyway, there's a joke on my favorite show Sons of Anarchy where this guy who compulsively jerks off (or used to until an Asian gang cut his fingers off)  says "I accept that."

So the word acceptance makes me chuckle a little.  Can I say I accept that I am mad?  No, that I am furious, livid, frothing at the mouth, frustrated break something angry?  Sure I can accept that! So I guess I'm not so done as I thought.

When you are done, you are done.  You are back to neutral.  I am nowhere near neutral.  I am still in the red.  Seeing red.

But it's not serving me .... resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies! LOL

I must let go of the resentment!  Good luck with that. I am human, and I guess that is my point.  I'll be done when I"m done. This is like a splinter that's buried deep and needs to work it's way out.

It hurts like heck for the first few days, then goes to a dull throbbing, then eventually, it fades away and you forget it's there and before you know it, presto!  It's healed.  I  may have to adjust the timetable a little ... but the point is healed = done!

Hopefully I'll be healed soon!  I got a business to build, I got lots of people who are counting on me to bring light into the world. But here, this is the place for balance.  Here is the place for dark.  Here is the place where I can stop being Susie Sunshine and become Desiree Darko!   The bitch that I was born to be!

So wrapping this up ... while I am trying to be done, I am clearly not.  "That which you resist persists."  I forget who said it, but they were smart ... so here I am not resisting my dark side.  Truthfully, I am SO NOT DONE!  But I'm working on accepting that and that's all I can do for today.

Desiree Darko, over and out!